We all have a victim living inside us. That victim will tell us that the entire world and everyone in it is to blame for our struggles, our suffering, our pain, our trauma and everything in between. The most amazing thing is that we can choose have an awareness of this and to choose to say No. When we stop holding onto the past and we stop blaming everything outside ourselves, we take the power back to heal and move on.
I have been literally abandoned, even as a child but I know that wasn’t my fault and that no-one is to blame because everyone was doing what they could to survive. It wasn’t about me. I had the choice to let these situations tell me that I deserved it or that no one wanted me. I could also choose to see the pain in these people around me and not blame them but instead learn to care for them while taking care of myself. I was abandoned but that doesn't mean I am unwanted.
I have been literally beaten. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I even lost a pregnancy due to this. I know that I stayed when I shouldn’t have. I know that I fought back and at times picked a fight. I see that a lot of it was me just feeding into this narrative that for some reason I deserved this life and I made sure to fuel it. If things were too good, I’d find a reason to pull them down and when they came down I’d feel that I was back where I belonged. I am not a victim to domestic violence. I do not and didn’t deserve it. I am a survivor and I take responsibility for my role in it all. I didn’t love myself enough to leave. I didn’t know myself enough to stand for what I did want and deserve. I didn’t love my boyfriend enough to end it for good and stop the cycle we were in. I am not a victim who will let fear or triggers keep me from loving and trusting bigger every day.
I have been cheated on by every man in my life. I had 2 boyfriends between the ages of 14 and 21 and then met my husband at 21. All 3 of them cheated on me at one or more times. I am not a victim who isn’t good enough, pretty enough, interesting enough ect. Those are the stories our victim tries to tell us. Our victim blames Him or Her. The victim says that if I were sexier or more fun that it wouldn’t have “happened to me". The victim calls the other woman a whore and him a jerk or what ever words might make us feel better in our own hurting. The truth is, it didn’t happen to me. It happened to those men/boys. It happened to the girls who knew they were playing a role in betrayal, selfishness and insecurity. It had nothing to do with me. Being married to my husband for now over 10 years, we worked through the 2 times he cheated on me (pre marriage) and see the healing that he needed in order for us to have this amazing life together that we have. We see how he felt unworthy of me or my love so he was self sabotaging. We see how he thought he had to be perfect to have me and that he felt that he would never be “perfect”, but he could be the comfort for the sad, lonely, hurting girls that came to him. Was I hurt. Yes. But it didn’t happen “to me” and it gave me an opportunity to grow my compassion, understanding and to strengthen my in love.
I have had people me entire life say lies about me. Everything from family to strangers on the internet have attacked my morals, values, looks, style, family, marriage, intelligence etc. The truth is, I don’t take it personally. A beautiful woman from the east coast wrote me on Instagram calling me a Bitch last year. She said I looked poor and that my ugly husband was definitely cheating on me. I felt for her. Hear me again because I didn’t say “I felt BAD for her”. I didn’t feel bad for her, I just felt FOR her and WITH her. She was projecting pain onto a stranger and I saw that. I didn’t call her names and jab at her for showing pain and insecurity in the only way she knew how. I talked with her. I played along in humor with some of her remarks and we eventually got to good depth in our conversation and I admire this woman now. We are “friends on instagram”. Im proud of her posting images of herself instead of hiding behind her old fake account. It has been fun getting to know her or at least who she shows up as. I've been this way with all the negative things thrown at me from people. I know it's not really about me. Im simply touching a wound that they have and it is making them uncomfortable.
What i’m getting at is that you are not a victim. Horrible things may have happened all around you this last year, like it did for most people in the world BUT we all had good things happen too. We all slowed down and had an opportunity to go within ourselves and grow. We are not victims. We can take back our power and choose awareness, love and responsibility. We can built up and strength our own mind. We can be brave enough to face our shadows and still opening our hearts more, not guarding them more. We can create light! We can mend relationships with ourselves and the people around us. We can choose to see people as just that. We are just people! We are all learning and hurting and trying.
At the end of the day ask yourself, “did I take responsibility today or did I blame something/someone outside myself for how I am feeling inside myself?”
Then try your best again and again and again.