My Marriage Isn't A Blessing
People say that I am blessed to have the marriage that I have. That always makes me a little uncomfortable when I see clearly that they are saying it as a compliment with the shadow of comparison over their own marriage/ relationship that doesn't seem to line up to the meaning of "blessed". Why am I blessed and they aren't? Why would I have "God's favor" and not them?
To imply that someone is blessed with a thing that you feel you're missing or lacking, is to imply that you aren't deserving or good enough for what they have. It also implies that you have to earn it somehow and how can you pour into yourself and marriage you're busy trying to earn the blessing of something outside of yourself and your marriage?
Don't confuse your own lack of worth or self imposed limitations as a blessing you simply didn't receive when clearly other people did.
Now don't get me wrong, my marriage is a blessing in the sense of it being a little slice of heaven but in the actual meaning behind the word "Blessed" or "Blessing", it by definition does mean "God's Favor" or to have the approval of someone who is of authority or divine write over you. This all sounds lovely, traditional and old because it is old... THOUSANDS of years old. We are humans who grow and learn and evolve and possibly some of our recycled sayings and beliefs should evolve along side of us.
So why is it that my marriage seems (and truthfully is) so full of life, love, passion, growth, giving and excitement? Because we want it too. We choose that. We did not have an easy love handed to us with a yellow brick road and music playing, but we had a choice as does everyone.
Choose to believe that you deserve the exact love that you choose!! Read that again and think about it. Really sit with what I am saying. YOU get to CHOOSE what kind of love YOU deserve. We don't have to believe and then accept the shit sayings like "well, marriage is hard work". Our grandparents and great grandparents said that because marriage was hard work! A lot of the time it was chosen for them with a box that they were forced into and shame piled on top of them if they even thought about straying from their confinements. We have been liberated from that narrative! The choice is yours to make.
Take a look at your relationship or marriage and ask yourself "what did I choose for myself here"? What level of love and deserving joy is your relationship showing you that you accepted as all that
*You BOTH deserve to be fully seen.
*You BOTH deserve to have a partner who encourages you to be yourself FULLY. Imagine someone who loves you so much, ever piece, no matter how "broken" or dark you think it is. No matter how embarrassing or "undesirable" you find certain aspects of yourself... they love you soooo much that they can't imagine not having ALL of you. Even the parts that you have shelved out of fear. You deserve that. You both do!
*You BOTH deserve someone who will listen to you with eagerness and excitement.
*You BOTH deserve a safe space to be
curious and vulnerable.
Why weren't we taught this?
My husband is a Disney fanatic. He loves Mickey Mouse and also Star Wars. He loves the Muppets too. It reminds him of his childhood and of his grandparents. Aaron lights up and gets so giddy and smiley when we watch or talk about Disney. To me, it's manly that he is strong enough to be playful, childlike and real with me. I love him fully. Not only when he's a sexy daddy or a hard ass hockey player. He also hand picks my flower bouquets every month because he loves picking and putting together flowers. He also loves to clean and is the one who foes the grocery shopping/meal planning. I knew HIM when we met and I loved that and nothing else. In fact when we met at the age of 21/22, he was 2 people. The real Aaron with me and a douche bag people pleaser with all this "friends". I was his safe place to grow into who he really is.
I love magic. When I was little, i'd make potions and talk to stars. I loved cemeteries and feel comfortable with death because I always felt the other side easily. I love nature and am drawn to it for rest, wisdom and growth. This guy, the one who went to a strict Christian private school his entire life, he never made me feel weird and allowed me to fully step into myself. He saw the magic in me and made me feel comfortable dropping all my blocks, guards and shame around something that's not Christian. He was a safe place for me to go with my intuition and to talk about the things I see and hear that he doesn't. He not only made a safe space for me, but he dove deep with me to help pull out all the pieces of myself that i hid from the world thinking it was too much. That's the love you also deserve.
"Well, they just lucked out". That's another one that makes me laugh. We met and it was divinely planned for sure BUT we still got pregnant against all odds within one month of meeting. We had a hell of a first 18 months together including dating while being young and pregnant. We dealt with fear, pressure, lack of support, cheating, lies, more fear and we still chose our path. There were weeks and month of space and healing of our selves so we could decide FOR OUR SELVES what we wanted. Im not sure why so many people give away their choice for the life they create. Can we see if now for what it is. I am not lucky or blessed more than you are. My marriage is easy and fun. On our days off, we date. During our work week, we date. We make out and we laugh. We genuinely care for each other mind, body and soul. We don't force each other into ideas or boxes that we think are best. We just chose love deeply because that's what we want and that's what he have grown to feel. You can too.
If you still feel that you're not blessed with the marriage your heart craves, I bless you then. With all my heart, with all the light in my being, I give you my blessing to open your heart to the full love that you desire and also that you have to share.